A respected friend of mine voiced a strong opinion that porn is bad.
It treats people as objects, and she wished people wouldn't watch it. She argued that the Actors, and the Viewers, were both poisoned by the porn.
It turns the act of sex, and its participants, into something of far less value. Reducing the act of lovely miraculous baby making into sweaty, apathetic, lubed up grunts for all to see... for a fee.
I had to argue with her a bit on that.
I've worked with people in the adult film industry, and have subsequently seen the other side, as it were.
Now with anything, there are bad apples and exceptions-- but we're talking about the overall industry, at the professional level.
Porn, officially, isn't a slave trade. The actors are enjoying themselves. They're both tested ahead of time, cleaned up, and respect each other. They're getting paid well to do things they agreed upon ahead of time. Mutually consenting adults having fantasized, exaggerated sex with varying degrees of kinkiness. They both feel great because thousands of people want to see them naked.
Imagine how well that does for your self esteem!
This isn't lovemaking. This is plain sex, amped up for the camera. Real sex and porn sex are very different.
The actors know this. They feel and understand the difference. And, just like you and me, they too want loving fulfilling relationships with true, genuine affection. Many actors, after a few years in the business, quit and lead normal healthy lives.
Imagine that. They weren't even ruined!
Anyhow, I'm not going to debate porn and its goods & bads.
After all, porn itself isn't to blame for its popularity. Porn is simply filling a massive need. It's answering a call. Responding to the searches people constantly send.
If nobody wanted porn, it simply wouldn't be there.
But why is porn so prevalent, especially in Western culture? Why can't we just find fulfilling, loving relationships with actual living breathing people? Why do we need porn at all?
Porn's popularity is just a tiny symptom of something much, much larger.
It's a 5-part puzzle that adds up to Sadness - especially for Millennials.
1. It starts when we're young- disguised as helpful esteem building.
"You get a trophy for showing up."
"You are special."
"You can be anything you want! You can be an astronaut rockstar president of the United States!"
"Because of the above things, you deserve the best and nothing less."
So when you grow up, these little statements are swimming in your mind, as you work away in your realistic job (which is probably middle management at best, not moviestarbillionaire.)
It translates to you deserve a fucking ten. The absolute hottest guy/gal on Earth is waiting for you because You. Are. Amazing.
2. All day you're bombarded with images of happy tens.
So you go out into the world with sexual needs. But satisfying those needs requires much, much more than it should normally. Your standards are set impossibly high.
Literally thousands of times per day you see ridiculously good looking people on every product, ad, billboard, and screen. Everywhere a hot face can be photoshopped and placed, it is.
Every man in those pictures is tall with chiseled abs and a thick head of hair. Every woman has a flat stomach, great tits, and tight glutes. They are tens to begin with, then they're photoshopped into twelves.
Near their smiling faces are headlines like
"LOSE 10 POUNDS IN 10 MINUTES BECAUSE YOU'RE CURRENTLY UGLY."
"100 GREAT SEX TIPS FOR VEGANS. OH YOU'RE NOT VEGAN? YOU FAT FUCK. GET IT TOGETHER."
"WAIT YOU DON'T HAVE SOMEONE TO PRACTICE THESE 100 SEX TIPS ON? LOL WHY"
"CHICKS ONLY DIG GUYS LIKE ME. BE ME, RIGHT NOW, BRO.
"YOUR MAN WON'T NOTICE YOU IF YOU DON'T HAVE THESE FIRM DOUBLE D's."
3. You look at them. Then you look at yourself.
Sadness sets in a little bit. A tiny moment of self-loathing. A little twinge of doubt. But you ignore it for now.
If only someone would love you for you.
You still deserve a ten, though. Because inside, you're a ten yourself!
Sure, you're flabby and kinda pale and you're still not a rockstar racecar driver.... yet. But you deserve a ten. Nothing less.
You go home after another long shitty day, and...
4. There you sit, feeling ugly, and the sexual needs are still there.
And the longer they remain unfulfilled, the more cloudy your head gets.
Soon, that cloudiness invades other parts of your life. It affects your decision making. It affects your confidence at work and in public.
Suddenly innocuous things really bother you.
Randomly, you just get wickedly depressed. Or angry.
You feel at any moment you could burst. Or do something rash, or hurtful.
Then the TV comes on. Happy sexy people again. It's a commercial. They're fishing together, or swinging in a hammock.
"Are you sad? Lonely? Limp penis, dusty vagina?...
5. ...TAKE THIS PILL."
And that, my friends, is how America works.
They show you the unattainable American dream. They tease you with an impossible reality, so your own seems less than adequate, and you'll buy their products and their pills to try and fill the void.
So instead, you load up a few minutes of porn, have at it, and release some of that mental mess.
Is it ideal? No.
It's nowhere near actual human interaction and affection. But it's better than nothing.
At least now you won't stutter and drool whenever someone halfway attractive is near you.
Now where's the harm in that? I'd say the porn was helpful to you - in moderation. It kept you outwardly normal for the time being.
So here's what you should do. Take a spoonful of truth with me.
Stop buying into the notion of you being special and deserving a kingdom of admiration for just being alive.
You're not special, and you don't deserve shit. What they told you was a lie.
But it's okay. Most people are not special.
Everything you have, you have to earn yourself! And you might not even get what you want after all that hard work.
Realize this: 99.9% of the time, you aren't a 10. Thus, do not expect to get a 10.
In fact, you're likely between a 4 and a 6. That's what most people are.
You might even be a 2. Or worse.
Heck. You could be a 10 in Omaha, but a 4 in Los Angeles.
The sooner you realize what you actually are, the sooner you'll aim for the correct hotness level, and therefore have more success and a fulfilling sex life. This requires some bravery, but I promise you, it'll save you a ton of grief in the long run.
Even a 1 has other 1s that will date them. The trick is aiming for a similar number you are.
Or aim a little higher, but don't expect to succeed.
If you're a 3 and you bag a 5, holy shit good for you. But if you fail and end up with a 3 like you, that's good too!
Basically, lower your expectations a lot, and you'll be happy.
In fact, the best sex I ever had was with a 6. That 6 was the best damn thing that ever happened to me. She was happy with me for who I was, too.
The 8? Horrible. She was an asshole the whole time and I regret it.
One secret though. Don't tell her or him that you read this blog and took this advice. Nobody wants to be told they're less than amazing.
Now get out there and find true love! Even if they're kinda stinky and not exactly ripped.
Then, maybe, we won't need porn anymore. :)