Andrew Goes on Another Date

POF is usually a waste of time. Yes, there are Plenty of Fish in the sea. But there are also poisonous jellyfish, sharks, eels, ugly things, salt, tidal waves, and death. Case in point, occasionally logging into the free account usually reveals a series of tragedies.

There’s a message in my Inbox, I ready myself for something horrific, but am instantly surprised upon a few clicks. It seems this time I’ve caught a beautiful marlin.

This girl is gorgeous. Her name is Diane. She’s 23, it says. A 1^st grade teacher, so she likes kids. She’s got a great smile in her little black dress. From a large family. Dark hair, even darker eyes, and a shapely, healthy yoga body. No cats. A nonsmoker. Classy, but sexy. She even writes in complete sentences.

So I respond to her, with brevity. Friendly, but all business. Within minutes I have her number, and she wants to meet me at a bar near her house in Tempe.

I couldn’t believe how easy that part was. I was so excited, reinvigorated even.

After work, I open my phone and see that Diane texted me “See you there at 10!”

She remembered me! She really wants to see me!

I get to the bar twelve minutes early. I want to get at least a drink in me beforehand. I’ll need the social lubricant, especially because I need this date to count.

I finish my first long island and check my watch. It’s ten o’clock.

10:05 rolls around, and I imagine myself reliving that scene from Dumb and Dumber. I order a second drink. What if she never shows up? A part of me would be relieved, for some reason.

At 10:07, the door opens. It’s her. And there isn’t much left to the imagination.

In the picture, Diane’s hair was tied back neatly in a studious bun. This time, it’s long, dark and flowing. She has strikingly smooth, fair skin. I noticed this, because she wasn’t dressed like a teacher would be. Not even close.

Diane’s in tiny jean shorts (so the pockets stick out the bottom) and like half a top with her glorious boobs pushed up. There’s some kind of bracelet and ring accessories going on, but I’m too intimidated to look any longer.

I stare at my drink, as she sits next to me. She smells like vanilla and fruit mixed together.

“There you are, Andrew,” there’s a smile in her voice. I turn to her, and watch my body operate in its charismatic charade. It says hi to her, tells her she looks great. She giggles, like a ray of sunshine bouncing in her stool.

“You look better than your picture,” she says, clearly relieved about it.

As the minutes pass, and the booze tingles through me, I start to realize she’s just a person. I can talk to people. She’s just one of them. My funnyguy shell is doing great, I let him handle it.

It’s going well, she’s laughing real laughs. At one point, she kissed my cheek in between sips of her cosmo.

I check my watch, it’s 11:30.

“I wish I had a teacher that looked like you in 1^st grade,” my mouth says.

“Oh… I’m not a teacher,” she says to her cosmo.

What.

“Are you still in school for it?”

“Nah.”

“I’m sorry, your profile sa-”

“No one means that stuff.”

“They don’t?”

“No one reads it, either.”

“I do?”

“That’s stupid.”

So I sat for a bit, sounds of sports and clamoring drinkers around us. I wonder how far her profile’s inaccuracies went.

“So what do you actually do?”

“I’m a dancer.”

“A dancer. Like the kind that uh… make lots of money?”

“The exotic kind, yes,” she smiles from her lips, but not from her eyes.

The internal conflict of excited weiner versus disappointed brain waged inside of me. I could feel my shell faltering.

Diane’s finished her drink, and is concentrating on her smartphone. I take the moment to observe her. Some of her hair has fallen across her pretty face. While looking at her phone, a shade came over her eyes, and for a second they looked much older. I really don’t know a thing about this girl, I realize.

She taps something on her phone, and is putting it back in her purse, and says

“So you gonna fuck me or what.” 

So flatly, I wasn’t sure if she actually said it.

“What?”

She’s got her purse over her shoulder, ready to leave, “Uh yeah, so we gonna fuck?”

The last word flicked out of her face again, so casually, so routinely, so empty of any emotional investment. This was happening, this was real. This was what I thought I always wanted.

But why don’t I?

Wait, I do. Don’t I? Am I finally lucking out?

 I should. No, don’t. Should I? Is this a trap?

My charismatic robot body was failing. It was just me now, showing through. Nervous and lost.

She must have sensed my hesitation. I could feel the window closing rapidly. She didn’t move away, but the distance between us tripled.

“You don’t want to?” she asked, slightly confused.

“Yeah, I mean yeah I do. I just. Well usually I have to court her for a while first. Get her to like me, or something y-”

She puts a hand on mine, patting it, “Don’t worry. I don’t like you. I don’t even know you.”

“Well isn’t that. I mean why, I don’t, uh.”

She stands up from her stool, placing a crisp fifty on the counter.

“I’m gonna go. Forget it,” her voice fell flat again. I was already worthless to her.

The bartender, who was in earshot of the whole thing, watches her rear as it swaggers out the door.
There’s a pause, I’m staring at my hands, and I feel him lean in towards me.

“Wow. You blew it man... Holy shit.”

My hands clench and unclench. The room is much dimmer now.

“Can I just get another long island, please.”

“Sure, man...” he looks again at the empty doorway, breathing in the last of her scent, “Damn.”

I watch him chuckle to himself, shaking his head, as he makes my drink.

This long island tastes much stronger than the last. He must be thinking he’s doing me a favor. I sit alone, watching a few replayed innings of a baseball game I don’t care about, hate myself, then leave.

A Second Look at Ugly Cakes

Now I’m a realist, so I partially expected Ugly Cakes’ last order of snickerdoodles (previously reviewed) to be an overly delicious fluke. Anybody can make a one-hit-wonder, the hard part is maintaining that level of accomplishment consistently. And now that they've set the bar so high, I'm willing to be slightly disappointed this time around.

So to celebrate my recent healthy weight loss, figured I’d order another dozen snickerdoodles. Because, you know, I’m worth it and I deserve nice things.

A quick message left on Ugly Cakes’ Facebook resulted in a quick response, having the cookies ready by the very next day.

And this time, ohh this time, they’d be brought by Cindy the Baker herself.

Ugly’s headquarters is on the opposite side of town from me, so Cindy and I met up halfway. I arrived right on time, but she was already there early. Like a professional.

Cindy the Baker is a modest woman, very friendly, even slipped in a colloquial “Dude” when she spoke to me. I’m not sure if she’s actually this hip, or she’s just very good at speaking to me in words I can understand. Cindy explained that the recipe was still the same, but a slight adjustment had been made. I can’t reveal this adjustment. Just know that it’s absolutely diabolically genius.

I have to insist upon giving her some extra money for driving closer to me, she accepts it graciously.

We say our goodbyes, but it turns out we’re both parked in the same area. Walking in the same direction, she keeps chatting away with me, and I try to respond, but I’m too entranced by the idea of me and these new snickerdoodles being alone together.

It was the longest drive back home in recent memory. Every red light seemed deliberately insulting.

Now in my room with the door and blinds closed, I look over the package.

Some changes have been made here. The small easily-torn paper bag has been replaced with a hefty tote. Instead of three groups of six cookies wrapped together in sticky paper, they’ve all been placed evenly in a single covered tray. This method is slightly more costly, but a welcome improvement from my perspective.

The same adorable graphic design is present, with a handwritten “Thank You & Enjoy!” on the business card for that personal touch.

The $19 got me 13 cookies this time, not 18. Regardless, I’m technically paying for a dozen cookies, so 13 is still a pleasant surprise. This was a reasonable choice on Ugly’s part to save on cost and maximize the profit margin- a sign that Ugly is gaining steam as a serious business.

Removing the first cookie, I notice this new batch’s babies are thinner. The same diameter across, but about half the thickness. Where the first snickerdoodles sat sinfully heavy in my hand, this new model seems to have spent the last two months at the gym. This one’s leaner, more honed and perfected.

Now the moment of truth.

Upon taking the first bite, more like a first kiss, all my doubts melt away. By the second and third bites, I’ve forgotten about bills, the war, our economy, hippies and depression.

Initially welcoming and lightly sweet, this cookie gets softer the more you get to know her. The center is moist yet firm, doughy but responsible… it’s just right.

There are few things that deliver this many smiles per dollar. And although a bit different than the first batch, these snickerdoodles have somehow figured a way to surpass my expectations all over again.

Well done, Ugly Cakes.

Andrew Gets Somewhat Even

Headed home, I stop by the usual Chevron station for some gasoline.
Walking inside to pay cash, I freeze.

It’s her again. Elisa. She’s standing there like a goddess of deception, in revealing summer garb.

She’s got her back to me, swindling another young male into tobacco-related coupons and spam. His shoulders are slumped, I remember the feeling too well.

I watch him leave her, staring at his coupon in defeat, as he walks past me out the automatic doors.

I could ignore the situation, blend in and move on like anyone else. But I don’t. It’s the principle of it all, dammit. I can’t let this go on.

“You.” I say to her, squinting.

She turns

“Uh, who me?” she stands with a model’s grace. Her disarming voice, like a perfect song.

“Elisa, is it?”

“Uh… yes?”

“I’m onto you.”

“What, what do you mean?” she twirls her beautiful hair between her fingers, smiling innocently.

“That won’t work this time. Your ruse, although clever, ends today.”

She walks up and quickly grabs my hand, pulling me into the candy bar aisle.

“Listen man, don’t blow my cover,” her voice drops.

“Oh, I think I will.”

“Come on, so I played with you a little bit, no big deal,” she whispers.

Despite how good she smells, my arms are crossed, lips curled, face stern. I’m appearing very hard to convince.

“I mean, didn’t… didn’t you get some sweet coupons in the mail afterward?”

“Yeah, for Camel SNUS. That’s like a coupon for a kick in the balls.”

She stammers, so I turn away from her, inhaling a bunch of air then “HEY EVERY-“

“-Shh! Quiet!” she whispers harshly, pulling my hand again.

“What if… what if I gave you my number?”

I stroke my chin at her.

“Hmm. Go on.”

She tears off a bit of paper from her clipboard, and scribbles a number on it.

“Here, this is my cell. Just call me, okay?”

I take it. My weiner says I should leave, but I don’t listen to him.

“This is your number?”

“Y-yes.”

“And that,” I point to her cell phone sticking out from her cutoff jeans, “is your cell phone?”

“Uh, yes.”

I open up my own phone, dial the number, put it on speaker, and stare at her.

She looks back and forth, as my phone begins to ring, but hers doesn’t.

“Come on, honey. Don’t… don’t do that…” she reaches out to touch me, I step back.

“Thank you for calling the Phoenix Costco warehouse- ”  says my phone.

I close it, with an audible snap. She flinches from it.

“Oh, that’ll cost you.”

Her eyes widen in panic, as I turn away from her again towards the other customers.

“WAIT! Okay I can uh… what if I got you two bucks off a pack?”

I snicker, “Nope. I'm actually trying to quit.”

“Oh God. Okay! Okay! Just… okay here. I got something just for you.”

She reaches into her front pocket, and pulls out a single wrinkly coupon.

“This… this’ll get you any pack of Camels for fifty cents. It’s the best I can do.”

I take it from her, “Can I use this right now?”

“Well I’d rather y-”

“Don’t you move.”

I approach the counter, and sure enough, after a quick inspection of the coupon, guy sold me a pack of Camel Lights for exactly fifty cents.

I return to her, she’s fidgeting.

“Did… did it…”

“Yes, it worked. Touché, devil woman.”

She sighs, relieved, “Okay, can I just get back to work then?”

“For now, yes.”

I abandon her there in the candy aisle, pay for my gas, and leave feeling much better. :)

Ugly Cakes - Reviewing their Snickerdoodles.

By now you know I'm a jerk.
If you've ever gone out to eat with me, you REALLY know I'm a jerk.
Especially when it comes to food. I'll eat anything, but I'll whine and complain about the sauce being wrong or something most of the time. I'm a man of discerning tastes, people. A snooty, snobby Foodie.

Figured I'd review something edible. So I messaged Ugly Cakes for an order.

Two days later the sky parted, and an angel landed. I think her name was Lindi or something, doesn't matter, what matters is, she brought Snickerdoodles. Ugly Cakes is a local venture, brand new, consisting of Cindy the Baker and her daughters.

Though I've enjoyed some of Cindy's baking before, years ago, she's since taken it much more seriously. I had to know if this was for real.

I handed the angel a twenty. She took it with a gracious bow, then flew away on a unicorn leaving me and the Snickerdoodles together at last.

I held them close, looking over both shoulders, and ran up to my apartment.
With the door locked, and the blinds closed, it's just me and these cookies now.

Sure I've done well lately, losing 18 pounds by eating healthier.
But clearly, little things like being attractive and living longer mean NOTHING when I smell these cookies.
I'm so entranced by the scent, so thoroughly seduced by this bag of sin, that I nearly missed the adorable packaging. I was going to expand more on this, but I can't take it anymore. I need a Snickerdoodle in me right now.

Ripping open one of the bags, it seems Ugly has blessed me with a number of generous extras. I ordered a dozen, but got somewhere between 16 and 18. (In hindsight, I'm not certain of the original number, because I ate them too quickly to stop and think.)

Unwrapping the first Snickerdoodle, it sits heavily in my hand. It's big, it's round, it's soft. Bits of warm cinnamon and sugar smile with tiny bursts of light. The cookie seems to beat in my hand, as if it has a tiny heart that loves me.

I take a bite.
My entire body shivers. The room brightens for a moment.
There's nothing like this in a store or restaurant anywhere.
These weren't just baked. These were meticulously created... by someone who probably has superpowers.

This wasn't just eating a cookie, it was living an experience. An event everyone should have in their life at least once. Like the first time being stoned, or the first time making love.

But we're on a diet. Each one of these surely has more calories than a normal person needs.
Shut up brain, you don't know what happiness is.
But I do. I've found it. I've found happiness, and I have 14 fleeting moments of it left.

Now 13.
Now 12.
Now 11...

The Angry Barber

I’m walking out of Safeway, had to made a quick deposit at the Wells Fargo. In the window’s reflection, I notice I look terrible.

Figure I’ll get a hair cut. That should fix it.

So I walk into the Great Clips next door. Why Great Clips? Because I’m a guy and who cares.

I’ve been to this place before, I remember the slender young barber up front. She’s got the same long auburn hair, same vivacious personality. She’s warm and inviting, like every day is the greatest day to be alive, and cutting hair is freaking awesome. She did a great job last time, too. But she has a customer at the moment, the only other one in the shop. I’m moving forward to greet her when a low voice greets me instead, from far away.

“Velcome. Vhat ees phone number.”

The voice's source appears from behind a divider, this woman is old. Very old, with ghostly white hair and a Nazi’s cold glare.

I tell her my phone number.

“Thees way,” she says to no one in particular.

I follow her, figuring this lady is just as good as the young girl. They’re both professionals, right? How could I lose? Sure this one’s not nearly as pleasant to be around, but hair is hair. I’ll be fine.

She picks a seat on the opposite end of the room, as far away as possible from her bubbly coworker.
I sit in the chair and she wraps the haircut apron thing around my neck too tightly.

“All right well I’d like a-“

“I see the vay you look at her,” she cuts me off, in an angry whisper.

Her voice was deep and foreign, a thick accent somewhere between French and Russian. Think Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle, with a tinge of feminine Dracula. Her face shows long hours, from a job or a lifestyle of disappointments.

“What? Who?”

“You vanted her, deedn’t you? The young girl. The preety von. I see the vay you look at her. But no. You get me. You get me and you hate eet.”

“I don’t, what no, no! I-"

She grabs my hair tightly with both hands, and pulls my head in close from behind.
I freeze, gripping the chair hard under the apron. We watch each other in the mirror.

“Every day ees the same theeng. They vant her, they ask for her. They like her.”

“Hey listen I’m sorry I-"

“Shh, shh. Don’t speak. I know vhat you vant,” she whispers into my ear.

I watch her boney fingers, the kind of fingers that enjoy long skinny cigarettes held in an even longer skinnier cigarette holder. She weaves them through my hair, closing her eyes.

Then leans in and smells my head. Yes, she smelled my head.

“Hmm. Yes. Your hair. Eets so theeck. Mmm. I saw eet and I knew vhat eet needed.”

“You what?”

“Shh, shh. Quiet.”

She massages my hair some more, so I just sit there.

The phone rings, interrupting her moment.

“Don’t. Move.” She says to the mirror.

I don’t move an inch. Just swallow, wide-eyed, in the mirror.

I wish I was in the young girl’s chair. Where the light is. Where it’s safe and happy.
Where I am, it’s dark, far away, vulnerable, lonely and scary.

Dracula lady returns, this time with scissors in her hand. She starts cutting my hair.
Okay, we’re gonna be fine. I’ll just let this lady do whatever she wants and everything will be f-

“So… are you seengle or?”

“Uh, yeah. Starting to regret that now bu-"

“Shh, shh. Yes. Good. Don’t be stupeed like her and get married so young.”

“Oh I’m not single on purpose or anything I-"

“Shh, shh. No. Stay seengle. You are vhat, een your early thirties?”

“Actually I’m twent-"

“Shh, shh. You talk too much. You are perfect age. Yes,” she rubs my hair some more with her eyes closed, “You are perfect age. Still handsome. But your eyes. They’re… so much older.”

“Wha-“

“Shh, shh.”

She cuts my hair some more, but the pace is quickening. I listen to her breathing speed up, her face twists into a grimace. Snip snip snip snipsnipsnipsnip!

There was hair all over my face, so she blew on it. It wasn’t a cool breeze, this blowing, no, it was a sloppy wet speckling of cranberry-flavored spittle.

Now there’s spit on my face, and falling hair is gluing itself to it.

We both overhear the distant chatter from the other barber, who’s laughing and joyously telling her equally chatty customer about her wedding plans.
Each word from the sunny coworker seems to burn Dracula lady. Like holy water on a demon, it irritates her somewhere deep inside.

There’s no apparent planning in her snipping anymore, there’s clearly rage in each snip now. Her gaze is somewhere else, angry, frustrated. Chunks of my hair are flying, and my scalp has been jabbed a couple times with the scissor tips.

I have to do something. I have to fix this. Don’t just agree with her sadness, that could be too obvious, too patronizing. She’s old, she’ll smell bullshit. No, be sincere. Challenge her, but in a loving way. I grip my chair even tighter.

“Hey… hey… it’s going to be all right,” I say to the mirror, as if she’s holding not scissors, but a gun.

She stops cutting, and our eyes meet again in the mirror.

“Let’s. Let’s uh, let’s talk about you. Something seems to be bothering you. Tell me about it.”

She bites her lip, her eyes glossy.

“It’s all right. You’ve had a long day. Go ahe-“

“No von understands. My husband, he’s worthless. Thees… thees life. Eet’s meaningless. I should be free, I should be young again. I’ve wasted my chance. Don’t waste your chance,” she whispers harshly.

“It’s never a waste.”

“Yes eet ees. Eet’s a… eet’s not how eet was supposed to be!”

“However it happened, that’s how it was supposed to be. That’s the only way it could have been.”

“You’re wrong!” she crosses her arms.

Silence in the room. Apparently the other couple heard that last bit.
We watch each other in the mirror for a moment, waiting for the others to resume chatting.
When they finally do,
“Are you sure? You can’t always change things. Change the way you look at them instead,” I whisper, "You'll be okay, I promise."

“…No. No I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore,” she says, barely audible.

The air thickens, tense and cold. I let it hang us both for a moment, then

“Hey, I don’t know if you noticed, but my head looks like sheet.”

She laughs, hard.

“Oh my, eet does. Oh my boy. You don’t need haircut anyway. Your hair ees handsome.”

Half my head is still long, the other half missing chunks here and there.

“You wanna just buzz it off at this point?”

“Okay I buzz.”

She buzzes my head, calmly this time.

“So. You come back, two weeks?”

“I think I’m gonna. Gonna grow my hair out, actually. Starting right now. Think I’m gonna yeah grow it out.”

“Eef you change mind, you come back to me?”

“Sure.”
She smiles, and tenderly towels away all the hair on my face and neck.

She rings me up, I tip her $5. She smiles and waves to me as I leave.

This is what happens when you try to save a buck on a haircut.

Pictures and a Bit from my Standup!

Got some cell phone pics from an audience member. Since there was no video or sound recording, here's the bit that was photographed. This was a younger crowd, college aged. Especially the type that likes to go to clubs and hump on strangers. So I gave them what they deserved- humor catered just for them.

Andrew Gets Completely Worked Over.

I'm foggy, on my way to Lotus for a night shift, and darn it I'm out of smokes.
So I pull in to the Chevron right off Chaparral and the 101.

Head down, I walk towards the automatic doors and they open.

Whoa.

This gal is really pretty. Right in front of me.
I go to robot around her, like I didn't notice her, when

"Hey, have I seen you here before?"

I look behind me, then back at her "Who me?"

"Yes, you silly."

"Uh, I don't... I don't think so?"

She smiles some perfect teeth. She's just shorter than me, long dark hair, some mixture of Italian or Hispanic, I can't tell and I don't care.

"Yeah I remember you! You're cute," she bites her lip a little bit.

I glance around, making sure this isn't a hidden camera show.

"Ah- wow thanks. Yeah I uh, I come by here to uh, get cheap cigarettes sometimes."

My face grimaces at my own words, she giggles an angel's giggle.

"Oh you smoke?"

"Unfortunately."

"What kind?" she leans in.

"Camel lights."

"Oh me too! What's your name?"

"Andrew."

"I know a lot of Andrews, what's your last name, sweetie?"

"Uh, Centrella."

"I'm Elisa," she smiles and gives me a dainty handshake.

"Hey Elisa."

By now she's brought me off to the side, by a stack of sodas. Customers pass us going in and out of the store. Elisa is very close to me now, looking up at me, and she smells good. I see our reflection in the window behind her, I look terrible, further exaggerating how attractive she is.

"So... do you... live around here, Andrew?"

"Down the street, yup."

"Oh cool! But hey, I'm sorry, I know you were probably busy. I didn't mean to stop you," she says, nibbling her lip again. Her lashes seem to get longer with every blink of those big brown eyes.

"Oh yeah, I was on my way to work. It's okay though."

"What if I don't see you again?" she asks. I'm lost in her eyes at this point.

I stammer.

"I hope I don't sound too forward but... you think I can maybe get your phone number?" she asks.

"Sh-Sure!" my mouth says, then it tells her my phone number.

"Great. Thanks," she says flatly, pulling out a small clipboard from behind her.

She jots down everything she just learned about me, seems I'm one sucker of many.

I can't move. I can't believe it. I watch her hand me a coupon for Camels, saying something about something.
My hand takes the coupon, and I stare at it.

She laughs, clearly the victor.
I'm jolted back into life when her phone rings.

"Sup," she answers, her voice is different now, all business. She's looking passed me, as if I'm not there anymore.
"Yeah, I'm at 92 people so far. Cool, yeah, all right. Almost done. Pfft of course. Yeah okay see ya."

She returns to her post in front of the doors, waiting for another easy kill.

I don't even buy cigarettes. I just walk out.