Thursday, July 5, 2012

Andrew Gets Somewhat Even

Headed home, I stop by the usual Chevron station for some gasoline.
Walking inside to pay cash, I freeze.

It’s her again. Elisa. She’s standing there like a goddess of deception, in revealing summer garb.

She’s got her back to me, swindling another young male into tobacco-related coupons and spam. His shoulders are slumped, I remember the feeling too well.
I watch him leave her, staring at his coupon in defeat, as he walks past me out the automatic doors.

I could ignore the situation, blend in and move on like anyone else. But I don’t. It’s the principle of it all, dammit. I can’t let this go on.

“You.” I say to her, squinting.

She turns
“Uh, who me?” she stands with a model’s grace. Her disarming voice, like a perfect song.

“Elisa, is it?”

“Uh… yes?”

“I’m onto you.”

“What, what do you mean?” she twirls her beautiful hair between her fingers, smiling innocently.

“That won’t work this time. Your ruse, although clever, ends today.”

She walks up and quickly grabs my hand, pulling me into the candy bar aisle.

“Listen man, don’t blow my cover,” her voice drops.

“Oh, I think I will.”

“Come on, so I played with you a little bit, no big deal,” she whispers.

Despite how good she smells, my arms are crossed, lips curled, face stern. I’m appearing very hard to convince.

“I mean, didn’t… didn’t you get some sweet coupons in the mail afterward?”

“Yeah, for Camel SNUS. That’s like a coupon for a kick in the balls.”

She stammers, so I turn away from her, inhaling a bunch of air then “HEY EVERY-“

“-Shh! Quiet!” she whispers harshly, pulling my hand again.

“What if… what if I gave you my number?”

I stroke my chin at her.
“Hmm. Go on.”

She tears off a bit of paper from her clipboard, and scribbles a number on it.

“Here, this is my cell. Just call me, okay?”

I take it. My weiner says I should leave, but I don’t listen to him.

“This is your number?”


“And that,” I point to her cell phone sticking out from her cutoff jeans, “is your cell phone?”

“Uh, yes.”

I open up my own phone, dial the number, put it on speaker, and stare at her.
She looks back and forth, as my phone begins to ring, but hers doesn’t.

“Come on, honey. Don’t… don’t do that…” she reaches out to touch me, I step back.

“Thank you for calling the Phoenix Costco warehouse- ”  says my phone.

I close it, with an audible snap. She flinches from it.

“Oh, that’ll cost you.”

Her eyes widen in panic, as I turn away from her again towards the other customers.

“WAIT! Okay I can uh… what if I got you two bucks off a pack?”

I snicker, “Nope. I'm actually trying to quit.”

“Oh God. Okay! Okay! Just… okay here. I got something just for you.”

She reaches into her front pocket, and pulls out a single wrinkly coupon.

“This… this’ll get you any pack of Camels for fifty cents. It’s the best I can do.”

I take it from her, “Can I use this right now?”

“Well I’d rather y-

“Don’t you move.”

I approach the counter, and sure enough, after a quick inspection of the coupon, guy sold me a pack of Camel Lights for exactly fifty cents.

I return to her, she’s fidgeting.

“Did… did it…”

“Yes, it worked. Touché, devil woman.”

She sighs, relieved, “Okay, can I just get back to work then?”

“For now, yes.”

I abandon her there in the candy aisle, pay for my gas, and leave feeling much better. :)

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